• Thrive Inc.

Creating Resonance and Connection Online

So much of our year this year has been spent facilitating teams online, and it seems that there’s no end to this online working environment. But the general opinion on virtual calls is divided, with some feeling that they’re beneficial whilst others wonder why they were even on the call. But whether your virtual calls are with business or family, there’s one common issue arising, and that’s people feeling disconnected.

We learn connection from a very early age and it is important that, as human beings, we feel connected to others. When we lose the ability to connect properly, we begin to suffer as a result, but learning to work effectively in a virtual environment can create a sense of unity and help you feel more satisfied, fulfilled, and content.

Join us on the podcast this week as we discuss why humans must connect with others and the importance of vulnerability and self-revelation when we do so. We’re explaining the resonance model and why when people show authentically, it can lead to transformations. Energetic vibration can happen over a screen as well as in person, and this episode will show you how!

If you want to make a difference for either yourself and your career, or your team and your organization, be sure to reach out to us and sign up for coaching! We can come and do a book club or simply visit with your team! Don’t worry about physical limitations – we work really well virtually, too!

If you enjoyed the show, please share the podcast with your family and friends, or post a five-star review on iTunes. Rating and reviewing the show helps spread the word, which means less friction and suffering for everyone, and who doesn’t want that?

Listen on Apple Podcast | Stitcher | Spotify

Learn More:

  • What the resonance model is and why we use it.

  • Some tools to help you feel more satisfied and fulfilled when connecting virtually.

  • How to maximize your online experiences.

  • The importance of boundaries.

  • How to show up to create rich and fulfilling connections.

  • The importance of sharing personal stories to connect with others online.

  • How music can help you release your vulnerability.


Full Transcript:

CrisMarie: Welcome to The Beauty of Conflict, a podcast about how to deal with conflict at work, at home and everywhere else in your life. I am CrisMarie.

Susan: And I'm Susan.

CrisMarie: We run a company called Thrive Inc, and we specialize in conflict resolution, stress management coaching and building strong, thriving teams and relationships.

Susan: Now, we know, no one likes conflict, not even us and we’ve written two books on the topic. In our work over the last 20 plus years we’ve found most people avoid, manage or diffuse conflict. The problem is when you opt out of conflict in these ways you miss the creativity, the connection and the possibility that lies in conflict.

CrisMarie: We also know 2020 has been, well, let’s face it, a stressful year. And what Susan and I realized is all the tools that we’ve developed and utilized around conflict apply directly to uncertainty, which is what we’re living in now.

Susan: In this podcast we have tools, concept and interviews, that will help you cope with the stress and uncertainty of conflict, of Covid, of social justice issues and, yes, even politics. We hope you’ll walk away from this episode with some fresh ideas that change your day, your week and even your life.

CrisMarie: Hi, this is CrisMarie, and Susan and I have been coaching people who are working remotely. We have been facilitating teams online through several months. And there’s no end to this online, in sight at least, this online working environment. And some of the issues that we have found is people are feeling disconnected, doesn’t feel as real during their days of 12 hour meetings through Microsoft Teams or Zoom. Or even with their family, they cannot go travel to their families and they’re feeling this lack of connection.

And so today we wanted to give you some ideas about what you can do to create or deepen that connection even through video conferencing.

Susan: I agree, CrisMarie. And it’s interesting because one of the things that I have noticed, I’ve been reflecting on when has it been successful? When have we had, because we’ve had a lot of opportunities to work with teams that are all online, some of them, they’re not together either. And sometimes that’s been really rich and we’ve been able to kind of have some real dialog and get into conflict and get through.

CrisMarie: And get to actually really good results, business alignment.

Susan: Yeah. And other times it has not – that hasn’t been there. And so we’ve been talking about what’s the difference. And even recently I was talking to some friends of mine who have spent years up at The Haven, which is one of our locations that we’ve done a lot of work at. And these are some faculty members and they’ve still got belief of I just don’t know if online is going to work. And I am here to say it can. It can work primarily because of the same models and some of the ideas that we talk about when we’re in a program up in Haven like Come Alive.

CrisMarie: In person.

Susan: Or face in person.

CrisMarie: And the same idea with team off sites, they can actually be quite rich even online. The problem is people tend to – this online environment, they tend to omit some things that create that connection and deepen the conversation. And that’s what we’ve been putting in when we’ve been working with teams.

Susan: So today we wanted to talk about a model we use to help people understand this a little bit, that we refer to as the resonance model. And this is actually one of the core models used up at The Haven. And we think it’s pretty helpful to getting to how you might be able to find more juice in your online experiences.

CrisMarie: And just even before we go into this, think about meetings that you’ve had online and that have been really satisfying, you felt connected, you felt seen and heard, what’s going on with those. And they could be even family Zoom meetings or what meetings have you felt like wow, why was I even there? This did not work. So be thinking about your own experiences.

Susan: And obviously you think, well, it’s the innergetics of when we’re there in person or the felt sense and the reality of it. You could have the felt sense over an internet line, you really could. It’s because it’s your felt sense that you need to start paying attention to.

CrisMarie: It’s in your body.

Susan: It’s your body. So we’re going to talk to you about how to maybe get back to that.

CrisMarie: I mean I think this even because I’m just fresh off the play, this even happens when we have smaller audiences or bigger audiences, because the audience is basically another cast member who happens, they respond and then that fuels us. So there’s this ongoing energetic flow that’s quite powerful or not, depending on the size.

Susan: And I would even venture to say that some people think a huge crowd is better than a small crowd. I don’t know if that’s really the difference.

CrisMarie: Yeah, I don’t know if size really is. But each group has a different personality of how much they are engaged or not. Or maybe they’re internally engaged but we don’t know.

Susan: Right. So we want to talk about this idea, this resonance model. And we’re going to start off by sort of framing it up for you. And this comes from the idea that we are energy beings and there is this universal energy that’s a part of everything. Now, you may have a different perspective. You may call it God, you may call it prana, you may call it chi, these are different bodies of work that refer to this kind of notion of universal energy. But it’s everywhere, it’s what makes up all sorts of things, living beings pop out of this universal energy.

And as we pop out we are just connected, fully connected to this universal energy and require to be taken care of. We won’t survive those first few months if someone does not take care of us.

CrisMarie: We cannot hold up our head, we cannot use our bodies.

Susan: Yeah. And now there are some animals that come out fully functioning and independent. And as a result of that we set up this dynamic pretty quickly as soon as we’re out in the world of having that – we have parents, or caregivers, or whatever, because if you didn’t have that you wouldn’t have survived, you had something. And there’s a dynamic of taking care of and pleasing, it starts to develop. Children learn very early that if I just even smile a little bit I get food.

CrisMarie: Get food, get attention.

Susan: And attention and various things, so we learn this transactional caretaking, pleasing relationship that starts off as a survival issue.

CrisMarie: It can be pretty – babies are – so as infants we are so sensitive. We’re just this raw nervous system that takes up. So even if we’re crying and the person that’s holding us, stiffens, we have less connection, less sense of feeling safe. So we’re taking that as a data point, like, oh, this isn’t working so well.

Susan: And there’s all sorts of – this is at the earliest stages of this. And then also we have – we need to learn how to fit into this world that we’ve been born into. And so we have, we have schools, we have religion, we have community, we have the police, we have laws, we have order, all sorts of things, structures that begin to provide us with the direction we need to know how to fit in.

CrisMarie: Like for me, some of you may relate to this, I realized pretty early on, hey, if I get A’s then mom and dad are a lot nicer to me than if I get B’s, C’s or D’s. So I am going to work to achieve, or that same thing, if I dress a certain way then I fit in, or I counter fit in, I want to reject the authority that I’m a part of, the establishment.

Susan: Yeah. And this doesn’t just happen with authority figures, but even in our friends we start to, okay, what do I have to conform and fit in so that, you know.

CrisMarie: The peer pressure.

Susan: Am I wearing the right clothes? Or am I, you know, I want to be the cool kid. That never really worked for me but usually we all find the places that we…

CrisMarie: Sports worked for you.

Susan: Sports, that was where I found my, you know, finally found where I could fit in.

CrisMarie: And any time we’re doing that we’re looking outside to say, “Okay, these people want me to do this. What do I need to do to fit?” And when we’re doing that we’re often giving up something of ourselves in order to fit this view.

Susan: Yes. And the challenges, so we actually began to kind of construct our persona and our – what I would call our character armor, it’s almost like it’s a box, it begins to look a lot like whatever structure has been given to us to fit in, to conform, to be a part of this culture and society. And then what happens is that box gets tighter, we start to identify with the box, that’s just who I am. This can happen in school, It can happen like you talked about in your Olympic experience. You objectified your body, it was the box by which you had to conform.

CrisMarie: I had to look a certain way. I had to lift a certain number of weights. Even when I got on more in my career I had Boeing, and the Olympics, and Arthur Andersen had my MBA. And I was trying to do everything. I had the right house. I had the right car, the right partner, everything looked a certain way. But I still had this sense of like gosh, why do I still feel so empty? Because I’m doing everything right, I am fitting the – I am conforming to the norms that should make me feel really happy inside, but I was really empty inside.

Susan: Because a lot of what we learn to do in our relationships is very transactional, kind of like that early relationship where it’s a caregiver and a pleaser. But we actually start to believe that’s a nature of a lot of our relations, I’ll take care of you, you take care of me or I’ll please you.

CrisMarie: I’ll conform, I’ll do what you want and so you’ll love me, or I’ll take care of you and then you’ll love me.

Susan: And the same thing happens even in business as leaders, you start to have a much more transactional, I’ll give you, you know, tell you what you need to do, you do what I want you to do. This is how we establish this rapport back and forth.

CrisMarie: And it’s not that this is bad, it’s just when we limit our relationships to this transactional energy it isn’t very satisfying. That’s what I found, I’m CrisMarie and it’s limiting.

Susan: Yeah. And similar, and what happens in the way we would look at this if we were showing you a diagram, which we may just attach, we could even attach to.

CrisMarie: That’s true.

Susan: The energy that we were describing, all that big energy that’s flowing through the universal, that pops up to be us, suddenly starts to get muted and tight. It’s like there’s a restrictive box around. You can think of this even as muscular armoring, children that maybe get spanked. You can see, they’ll pull in their butt. And actually everything gets more rigid. And adults, you know, even trying to get adults to make sound sometimes.

CrisMarie: Oh my gosh, yeah.

Susan: I mean they could sing, which is very controlled in a lot of ways.

CrisMarie: Well, and it looks good, sounds good I mean.

Susan: Yeah. But if you ask them, just go – which would actually be really healthy. They don’t.

CrisMarie: Well, this actually came up in our warm-ups for theater, because theater is a lot about having a very fluid voice and body. And some actors, when you start to do warm-ups, we do some silly games. And I was at one point was in a play with somebody and he just wouldn’t do it. He’s like, “No, can’t do it.” He said, “I’m not that coordinated.” But it really, I think he was so embarrassed about I can’t move that way. Because little kids, you know they’re like Gumbies and they’re making sounds and, looking silly. We definitely learn to brace against that.

Susan: And think about the dancing. I just think of the movie, Hitch, I don’t know if any of you ever saw that and Will Smith was kind of mentoring and coaching this guy, Kevin. And let’s just say, Kevin had some of the most weirdest moves. And I mean Will Smith said, “Don’t you ever do that.”

CrisMarie: Well, he did like the – what’s the Sprinkler, he did that. He had all these different moves. And he’s like – Will Smith’s like, “No, your zone is right here, back and forth, arms by your side.”

Susan: But you know how he got the girl in the movie?

CrisMarie: Yes.

Susan: Yeah. So I mean the idea being that we tend to learn how to conform, to adjust, and we get tighter and more rigid and we identify with this box or this look we’re supposed to have.

CrisMarie: And we think it’s us.

Susan: And we think it’s us. And we actually lose that connection.

CrisMarie: And think of that connection as this – your authentic energy, it’s like a flame inside of you. And as you get more identified with the box, I’ve got to have the right car, look good, that flame gets dimmer and dimmer, it never goes out.

Susan: Right, and so it doesn’t go out. You may think it, you can feel like it’s been lost. And in some respects when we think even from a more broader level where we are now in our country. The polarization is really, we have become so transactional. And so we have the republican box, the democratic box and we have all these little offshoots of people doing other things that I’m not sure what they’re up to. But we have two primary boxes and that actually is very difficult to create a relationship.

CrisMarie: And Susan talk about, what are the symptoms of when people are identified, how would our listeners know, hey, I’m pretty much stuck in my box, what are some of the symptoms?