Blaming and Shaming: Bullying As a Leadership Style
If you’re a leader, how often do you get into the tendency of using shame, blame, and bullying to get your teammates in line? If you’re on a team, how often have you been on the receiving end of this behavior? In many cases, it happens so often that it has become accepted corporate culture.
In corporations, there are strong patterns where bullying leadership is acceptable behavior. It can manifest in a range of ways – both direct and indirect – but it is not an effective way to solve problems. It is the responsibility of the entire team to make a change, and the more you get curious and interested about bullying behavior, the better you can approach this.
In this episode, we’re talking about the power of team accountability and how to recognize and call out bullying and shaming tactics. We’re teaching you how to pay attention to your own behaviors and actions, and how to stop being complicit in these behaviors in the workplace.
If you want to make a difference for either yourself and your career, or your team and your organization, be sure to reach out to us and sign up for coaching! We can come and do a book club or simply visit with your team! Don’t worry about physical limitations – we work really well virtually, too!
If you enjoyed the show, please share the podcast with your family and friends, or post a five-star review on iTunes. Rating and reviewing the show helps spread the word, which means less friction and suffering for everyone, and who doesn’t want that?
Listen on Apple Podcast | Stitcher | Spotify
Why it’s possible to be human and a leader.
The part you could be playing in a bullying corporate environment.
How to improve your leadership skills.
Some signs and signals of bullying leadership tactics.
Tips for having difficult conversations about behavior.
How to recognize and work with your own internal bully.
If you want to make a difference for either yourself and your career, or your team and your organization, be sure to reach out to us and sign up for coaching! We can come and do a book club or simply visit with your team! Don’t worry about physical limitations – we work really well virtually, too!
The Beauty of Conflict: Harnessing Your Team’s Competitive Advantage by CrisMarie Campbell and Susan Clarke
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Wahington Post Opinions | "America is fragile this Inauguration Day. Our power rests in the ability to pick ourselves up."
CrisMarie: Welcome to The Beauty of Conflict, a podcast about how to deal with conflict at work, at home and everywhere else in your life. I am CrisMarie.
Susan: And I'm Susan.
CrisMarie: We run a company called Thrive Inc, and we specialize in conflict resolution, stress management coaching and building strong, thriving teams and relationships both in person and virtually.
Susan: We are starting 2021 with a series based on our book, The Beauty of Conflict for Teams. We’ll be sharing tips, tools about how to make your team work more effectively especially in this remote and virtual environment. We hope you’ll walk away from this episode and this series with some fresh ideas that change your day, your week and even your life.
CrisMarie: Today we’re continuing on the Beauty of Conflict for Teams podcast series. And we are talking about chapter 22 in the Beauty of Conflict: Harnessing Your Team’s Competitive Advantage. And chapter 22 is The Power of Team Accountability. And here we’re talking about how often we get into a tendency of using shame, and blame, and even bullying to get our teammates in line. And it continues so far that it becomes like an accepted corporate culture that we are operating that way.
Susan: Yeah. I mean I think it’s – we actually reward people sometimes without even recognizing it, recognizing that really what they’re doing as their leadership style is shaming and bullying and it’s okay, and blaming. And I think CrisMarie, talking a little bit about why this is such a passionate thing for you would be good.
CrisMarie: Yeah. So what I recognized in this monumental transfer of power that the United States experienced the January 20th, the different leadership styles from the old president to the new. And what came up after the inauguration is I just felt immense rage at what I interpreted as bullying behavior from the previous president. And I think I was safe enough once the new president was in to let myself feel that. I had kind of repressed that and kind of made it okay how the previous president behaved. And what I recognized is…
Susan: I don’t think you made it okay but you did…
CrisMarie: I downplayed and tried to settle you down if you were talking, you know, getting upset. And why I think this is really true for me is because I grew up with a bully. And so I had to shut up and I learned quite quickly I had to answer quickly, be smart, know how to do things, not make mistakes, be succinct and know what I’m talking about. And if I didn’t I would be shamed. And so I didn’t want that to happen. And what I now, all grown up me, I have that bully inside of me.
And I can bully you Susan, when you seem like you don’t know what you’re doing I can give you a dirty look or say, “Fine, I’ll take care of it.” I blame and shame you, I act like a bully because that’s what was done to me and that’s what I’m recognizing is it’s usually when I am stressed out and I think oh my gosh, I’m going to fail or I don’t know how to do this. And so it comes out as meanness towards you and that’s very humbling to admit. And it’s something that I’m very aware of and working on in my own leadership and how I deal with it.
Susan: What I really appreciate about what you’re saying is that here you are in the throes of acknowledging and recognizing the anger you felt at how you may have even silenced yourself, CrisMarie in light of our four years of having this president who used, I think praised himself for using a bullying style, and you are recognizing in that.
So what really strikes me, one, I appreciated that you allowed yourself to feel that rage. But then didn’t just keep throwing it out at him. But actually started to look at, well, if I have – and what I’m hearing is if I have this much energy I’m maybe allowing myself to feel and acknowledge that anger. Allowed you to then look at where might I be bullying?
CrisMarie: Yes. And I think that so often it’s easy to project that person over there, I can blame him as the problem. And that doesn’t really get me anywhere and if somebody is such a trigger for me there’s some resonance inside of me and that’s what I’m working with. And I think that’s what we coach leaders to do when we’re coaching.
Susan: And I think one of the things – I mean we’re kind of going a little on the political spectrum here which I’m okay with for a bit, in the sense of that we watched what happened on January 6th which was the overtaking of the Capitol to its maximum we had reached. Now, and also what happened after that was so many large corporations pulled money, did this from the political parties they were holding accountable. And I think in a way were doing a version of you like, “Okay, this is no longer acceptable and we are going to…”
CrisMarie: Blame them.
Susan: Yeah. And sadly, I hope what will happen as we go forward is that these same organizations will look at themselves and say, “How have I participated in getting us...” We can always make the president going out the problem. But if that’s all we do we are not dealing with the actual conditions under which build a shaming and bullying leadership strategy, organizational strategy. So it’s not, our government may be divided.
But I think within our corporations we also have some really strong patterns where that is acceptable behavior until something gets called out and then a lot of money gets thrown to solve the problem. But it really doesn’t solve the problem.
CrisMarie: It doesn’t solve it unless, yeah, people in an organization are taking accountability, not blaming the blamer even but looking at – so we want to talk about – and you might recognize your company.
Some behaviors that you do, your leader does, are sanctioned and nobody – they happen and nobody says anything which is during a meeting if somebody says something rather than replying to that person, maybe there’s just silence like it’s just like a turd dropped in the room. And that’s what the person feels like, oh my God, what did I say? Did I say something wrong? And they don’t even know.
Susan: I have coached so many people in two different situations. One, a leader who’s like, “I bring these things up repeatedly and no one says anything so I feel like I’m just not valued.” And so that’s one.
CrisMarie: In their team meetings?
Susan: In their team meetings and I’m like, “Well, do you say anything at that point?” And often they don’t because they’re like, “Well, everyone went silent. I would expect people to speak up.” Or I’ve actually heard it from other people who say, “There’s this one person on my team and”, often is she but sometimes it’s he, “Will bring up the people issue and we just don’t comment on it. We just sort of let it slide. But I don’t think we’re actually in agreement with her. I think we’re actually just ignoring her”, which that’s the sign.
CrisMarie: Yeah. Another sign, I don’t know if you recognize this but I actually do this. If you say something, Susan, and I’m like I give you a dirty look, like how dare you say that? Or I cannot believe you actually brought that up, or rolling of the eyes. I’m not saying this with words, it’s all in my look or I’ll just huff.
Susan: If you could see her now, she’s giving an example and I am silenced.
CrisMarie: But it is humbling to admit these things, these behaviors. But we are – for those of you that can even consider maybe you do this, remember, we learned how to operate quite young. So if this was done to you it makes sense that it’s in your nervous system and you need to become, if you’re willing I invite you to become aware of it and then there are things you can do to shift it.
Susan: Or I also think that can show up like the rolling of the eyes or the other way I’ve seen it show up in a meeting is two people will sort of just they look at each other with that knowing look, like we know she’s off her rocker. And in a way you may not think of that, it’s not like the big bully. But it is a shaming quality that we can do which is not actually useful.
CrisMarie: No, because shame is about whether you belong in the group and so if two people say, “I can’t believe that.” You’re saying you’re an outcast, that’s what that is broadcasting to that person. Harder to do on Zoom meetings right now because you can’t look across a square and say that.
Susan: But you might be able to go into that private chat where it’s just that person which in case you don’t know is often being recorded so I wouldn’t do it if I was you. I would suggest you do something completely different.
CrisMarie: There is also just the tone in which you say something. I was coaching somebody who is dealing with somebody who has a very aggressive and, she interprets, shaming style. And it’s just the tone like, “Really? Why didn’t you do this?” There’s a disgust, or a disdain, or a contempt and impatience. “Well, we don’t have time for that.” So those are the words but you can also hear the tone that’s like, “Just get out of my way.”
Susan: Yeah. And I think that one of the things that’s interesting about that, because the tone that sets up for a shaming blaming culture is disgust, contempt, dismissive or impatient. So it helps me when I think of what does my tone go to? How do I recognize those things? Because I do know when I’m – well, hopefully I know when I am in my own disgust, contempt. Now, maybe I have so much shame around it that I don’t actually even know. And that’s important to recognize. I do care. And this is where feedback becomes critical.
CrisMarie: It is interesting because for my own process of learning how to recognize my bully, which comes up in relationship to you Susan because you’re my safe person. But this doesn’t show up when there’s somebody in a position of authority. I may not even recognize I’m actually upset with them. And instead, the energy will come towards you because you’re safe as opposed to the big important boss person who I’m too intimidated to have any of that.
Susan: So in that case it may even be recognizing when my disgust, or contempt, or dismissive comes up even towards one of my teammates it may not be them that’s really the issue. There’s something else going on. So I think that’s a great point.
CrisMarie: We talk about this in the Dance of Anger, she talks about triangulations, those are triangles and relationships that we create all the time. And if I have a boss that is actually not doing their job and I’m upset with them but I’m not really even aware that I’m upset with them. I’ll go to a different part of the triangle which is you Susan, and I’ll deal with my anxiety with you. This comes true, if you get mad at the kids because you had a bad meeting. That’s that energy, it’s not safe to process it in your view with the person at work, and so it comes across with the kids or the spouse.
Susan: I think right now with virtual meetings, that’s happening all the time, I mean I don’t know how many people I coach that are thinking I don’t even know why I’m at this meeting. It’s like I don’t understand why we’re having it, it’s not productive. And I can almost guarantee you in that same coaching session they are telling me about how they’re having issues in their relationship at home or how they’re getting testy with their kids. And it’s because you’re not dealing with this meeting. But that’s sort of how – that’s that triangulation.
CrisMarie: So again, signs and signals that shaming, blaming, bullying, or silence, dirty looks, rolling of the eyes, you may even have other ideas out there. We’d love to hear them.
Susan: But the one you didn’t bring up which is my favorite is interrupting and taking over.
CrisMarie: Let me just do that again, I’ll just interrupt and take over.
Susan: Because it is probably the loudest on the spectrum, it’s a pretty obvious one of that of kind of bullying. And it is like I’m going to interrupt you and take you back to where you should be. And hopefully you can recognize that as a potential.
CrisMarie: I just want to say because this can come up even at home. We were trying to change batteries in this comp - because we have a lot of power outages and we have this new light and it takes eight batteries. And Susan was sitting there struggling with it and I was like just – it’s like I elbow you out of the way. Let me just do it. And that is a form of…
CrisMarie: Yes. I just want to say, “Let me do it because I know better than you, give it to me.”
Susan: And again one of the things we want to say, I mean what I want to say right now is the key here is the more you can become curious and interested, because you are not going to get rid of shaming and bullying by shaming and bullying. And so you can’t do it to another person and you can’t do it to yourself. So if you can find a way to recognize with some goodwill and some compassion for yourself, yeah, I do interrupt and I take over. Or I do use that tone when I think it will work with my kids, like you’ve got to be kidding.
CrisMarie: Yeah, I give them the evil eye, even that phrase, you’ve got to be kidding, we all agree over here. So I’m gathering a whole group of people that you are the problem, you don’t belong. And even saying if you’re a leader, “I can’t get good people or I can’t get smart people”, those are all ways of dismissing the total person if somebody is struggling. And I think that’s really what shaming, and blaming, and bullying is, it’s objectifying this other human being as they are an object, they are the problem, they’re less than you, less than me, and so get out of my way.
Susan: And I’ve seen it happen where there is this global attempt to kind of solve the problem, we are all agreed, what’s your problem? Now, if you think about that, I can see where it might come from.
CrisMarie: Do you mean global language?
Susan: Yeah, global language in a meeting, the rest of the team is onboard, why aren’t you? That’s not really helping someone be sincere and honest about what’s happening. And they might have a valid point. And so you have to really pay attention to when do you use global language because that is a good sign when you’re doing the we’s and all of us.
CrisMarie: It’s a red flag.
Susan: It’s a red flag that you might be in this culture of shaming and blaming.
CrisMarie: Or always or never. And I do want to tie this into diversity and inclusion because this can come up around mansplaining. So you can have sexist. You can have homophobic. You can have racist. All those different categories, these same behaviors are transmitted. And so what companies will do is, “Hey, we’re going to spend a whole bunch of money and train everybody on diversity and inclusion.” Which while that is helpful I don’t know if it’s really getting at this behavior of I am making myself better than you and you are lowly.
And it’s tricky because organizations do have hierarchies. So am I more important because I’m the boss? But it’s this idea of bettering, and less than, and objectifying human beings.
Susan: I think it’s really critical and I think you do bring up a good point. It’s like just training alone doesn’t actually get there. And that’s why I was even saying, this isn’t about necessarily getting this right. It’s about beginning to be compassionate and recognize wow, I really do shame and bully. Here’s the way I do it. I think all of us do it in some fashion, some more indirect and passive, some more direct.
CrisMarie: Yeah. Indirect ways because we haven’t shared that, but when you’re gossiping about somebody with the intention of kind of poisoning the well, trying to get people to go to your viewpoint that this person really is the problem.
Susan: Or not inviting people to meetings. I mean I don’t know. I mean I can remember a long time ago being on a faculty and this person who I just remember, she did something and she actually was very passive aggressive. And she had a great explanation for why she didn’t invite me or something. I can’t remember. But it was like okay, pay attention to; do you leave that person out? Or what is behind that?
CrisMarie: And this may seem like it’s more direct but when somebody says something and there’s silence, or it’s ignored, or then somebody says it and everybody chimes, you know, that’s the mansplaining, typically a man will say it and people listen. But it could be just even another person. And it’s this almost this inflexibility to, like in this, if we take away sexism, racism, homophobia, it’s just somebody who’s trying to show up and maybe they are not – they’re making a mistake, they’re fumbling. And that is so un-tolerated in the corporate environment.
You are then, you have made a mistake or maybe they flubbed up their presentation or they weren’t ready. And all of a sudden they become a non-player. We’re going to sideline them. Maybe we’ll keep them but they become ostracized in a certain way. I see you thinking, what are you thinking about Susan?
Susan: Well, I keep going back to, this might be where I can share.
CrisMarie: Go ahead.
Susan: Because I was thinking leadership is one of those things, because we’ve just gone through this whole transition period in our presidency and our country and looking at leadership. And I was really struck by how leadership was presented in the New York Times.
There was an article written, I actually probably should have the person’s name, but I don’t, but they were writing. And they were describing this moment. They kept using the word, “Our country is fragile.” Which they meant it in a couple; we’re fragile because of the pandemic, because of our economy. We’re also fragile in our, you know, the trigger happy. And I was really struck by that. And then they wrote something about the representations of power based upon the president leaving and the president coming in.
And the way they described that was, “Can we now admit that our presidents are fragile too? The puffy brat with an ego made of glass who craved constant adulation and ignored the call to presidential duty is now headed to his new home. He leaves in his trail a terrifying reminder that when power itself becomes the goal it ceases to function as a means for governance.” Now, they’re talking about governance but this is the same in corporate.
CrisMarie: In corporate.
Susan: “And now he’s replaced by a statesman who has developed a kind of inner fortitude from publicly navigating the fragility of his own life. He brings that experience on stage Wednesday morning, this was – just recently happened. Humility that accompanies uncertainty, the empathy borne of loss, the special balance one gains from stumbling in his own life and finding the resilience to stagger forward.”
That is, I think a very powerful statement about different styles of power and recognizing when am I in my willingness to be vulnerable, and real, and the things I learned from stumbling through life? And when am I just trying to power over a situation that I don’t want to acknowledge, I have no control over? And too often we don’t distinguish that.
CrisMarie: I love that Susan. And so this is from a New York Times piece which we should get that, we’ll get the reference and put it in the show notes. And it’s just really again recognizing inside of each of us when we’re in that bullying, powering over because really what I have started to recognize is when the internal cue of when I feel that sense of contempt, and my posture actually gets rigid and I stand upright.
I am looking down my nose. I have a physical sensation of this, looking down my nose. And I am entitled for you to get out of my way or I’m entitled to have what I want or get this right. That is my red flag, oh my gosh, I am coming from a bullying perspective, a shaming and blaming perspective.
Susan: And I think the key we need to recognize in these words that was there too is the fragility of these people we put in power.
CrisMarie: Oh gosh, yeah.
Susan: And so often that’s the piece. My own fragility can I recognize and own that? And can I recognize that these leaders have big corporate places that have their own fragility. And I think that’s important to speak to.
CrisMarie: I do because we tend to think as we get higher up in an organization I have to be more invulnerable, I have to be perfect. Nobody can see me sweat. If I make a mistake they’re going to attack. And it’s not that people like Joe Biden does stutter and does mix up his words at times, and so he will be criticized for that and if he’s okay with that.
Susan: And he wears a mask. I mean there are things that will look like he’s too vulnerable. He’s not strong enough. He’s not making a strong enough position. But then we have to look at wait a minute…
CrisMarie: Can he be human and be a leader and that’s like our leading with both your heart and also your spine and standing up strong. But we don’t believe in leaders being invulnerable which is why we talk about our own process with you on the air so you can see nobody is going to be perfect. We’re never going to get done with learning about ourselves and our own humanity.
Susan: We want to kind of talk to you about some ways to begin to work with this. One, if you’re listening to this and you recognize you have your own bully.
CrisMarie: Like me CrisMarie.
Susan: The things to do, first off find that trusted person, someone you either work with, your partner who will give you real feedback about how it shows up. And ask for that feedback.
CrisMarie: This is tough because when I’m in my bullying stance I am not so open to feedback. So you have to really want, you have to have a desire that you really want to shift this and knowing that it creates more rigidity in your style. It’s actually you’re treating yourself. I am treating myself as an object when I’m being a bully to other people because I’m being a bully inside of me.
Susan: Yeah. And I think another thing that becomes really important is to begin to notice when you feel contempt, or entitlement or [crosstalk], don’t throw it out. Turn it in and ask yourself what am I really uncomfortable feeling because this contempt, and disgust, and entitlement is just a way to avoid feeling something else.
So take a breath and acknowledge it to someone. You may not be able to acknowledge it in the room but find that person. And this is where, hey, if you don’t have a coach and you’re leading your shit because this is really where that coaching comes in.
CrisMarie: And this is often when we coach we actually facilitate the team sessions and we coach the leader and other members of the team because we can see people in action. You want a coach who’s going to see you in action and give you the straight goods and that you can kind of problem solve. Wow, I did do that, how can I do it differently?
Susan: Yeah. So those are some of the things you can do if you recognize, well, I think I have some bully in me. Now, maybe you are just feeling like you are at the hands of a bully. You have one of those bosses who just overrides everything you say or you end up coming out of a meeting feeling like you’ve been silenced.
CrisMarie: Yeah. And you start to lose your sense of I am okay so that each time you show up with less of you when you come forward to present your ideas or speak up in a meeting.
Susan: Now, this isn’t for the weak of heart, but it really is somehow finding a way to interrupt and say, “Whoa, stop. I want to find out because I don’t think I’m interpreting you as telling me I’m stupid or that I’m just not fast enough. I don’t know if that’s your intention but I want to check it out.”
CrisMarie: Susan, you’ve done this with me where you’ve been like, “Whoa, I am not worthless over here or I’m not an idiot.” And it’s really shocked me to go, “I am treating you that way.” Now, you may not feel so bold, we have an ongoing relationship. But I was coaching somebody who’s in this hands of a bully situation and she’s losing her confidence more and more. And I said, “Finding some way just to go “ouch” or “whoa” or, “Did you just intend to insult me because that’s how it landed over here?”
Or even maybe this isn’t impacting anybody else but so and so, “I’m interpreting your tone as dismissive, is that what you’re intending?” Somehow find your voice even if this person was like, “Oh my gosh, I’m going to be seen as”, I’m the too sensitive one and it’s like no, because what people have done is they’ve gone silent, they’ve gone numb and they’re complicit to the behavior. That’s what starts to happen in corporate environments.
Susan: I mean I don’t know how many times I’ve been coaching a leader of an organization who said, “It wasn’t until someone on my team started to point out some of their pain points that I realized how numb I had become.” And so I think sometimes as leaders you can be like that story of the frog in the boiling pot. You’ve been sitting there too long so you’re not jumping.
But you bring in a new member to your team and you notice they are kind of like, “What is going on here?” Then you should pay attention because that young new frog is going to jump out of the boiling water pretty quick. And if you just stay in it you’re going to die.
CrisMarie: Yeah. And you’re being complicit. So finding some way to support somebody else who’s speaking up and finding your voice. And even I was coaching this woman and I said, “Even if they look at you like you’re crazy, you have spoken up and so you have your back. If you don’t you’re going to continue to get smaller and smaller.” And maybe you just get clarity like wow; this is not the place for me, if people look at me like I’ve got three heads when I speak up.
That’s information, don’t worry, you’re going to still have a job. You can find another job, a different position. You don’t have to tolerate it. And I think that’s what starts to happen and people start to literally die inside thinking this is all there is.
Susan: And just to be clear, for those of you who are out there going, “Well, I know I’m not the bully on my team and I don’t usually get bullied.” Your silence doesn’t mean you’re without some culpability for what’s happening on your team so if you’re noticing yeah, wait, it’s just not worth it to speak up on this team. You might be actually falling into the last trap where you’re just allowing your culture to become something that you probably don’t want it to become.
CrisMarie: No. It’s kind of like growing up in an alcoholic family, there’s all these roles. There’s the hero who comes in and saves the day. There’s the lost child who just gets, you know, and then there’s a scapegoat. Now, the problem is, if you’re watching somebody be the scapegoat, you’re like that’s not me. Eventually what goes around comes around. You’re going to switch those roles. So allowing it to happen to somebody else is you’re not really serving you, the culture, or that person.
And in our chapter 22, The Power of Team Accountability we talk about how to hold your teammates accountable for behaviors, because behaviors are important. And we use the communication model, “Hey, I noticed in that meeting, I heard you interrupt and take over when Mary was trying to present. And the impact in me was I thought it was disrespectful and you weren’t really giving Mary her full due. But I want to check out, what was going on with you?”
So again you’re not bullying the bully, if that’s what you think, you’re actually checking out your story. And letting that person know their behavior had an impact to you. Better if you can do this in the meeting but that’s kind of a PhD level. And what we often help teams develop is that capacity to have those conversations during the meeting because we’re there real time. But in the meantime you can pick up our book, The Beauty of Conflict: Harnessing Your Team’s Competitive Advantage. And read chapter 22 about how to actually have these conversations about behavior.
Susan: Because this is a great time to begin to look at – I mean we can look at our country, and many countries can look at our country and see our propensity for bullying or whatever we’ve been up to. But the real key is can you look at yourself? Can you look at your organization? Can you look at your team? Can you look where you are living and being and begin to see here’s where I’m contributing to this problem? And I need to step up and do something different whether you’re the bully or the bullied.
CrisMarie: Yeah. And if you’re in a team where you’re not the leader and you feel like the team has this sort of behavior just say, “I think we have some unhealthy behaviors that aren’t working and I want us to get some help. I want us to be able to talk about what’s working, what’s not.” Having the conversation is important to at least make a note of. Because I tell you, if this is just happening around performance it’s likely happening in those other areas of race, sexism, homophobia, all those other isms.
Susan: So don’t just check the box.
CrisMarie: Yeah, don’t just get the training.
Susan: Don’t just get the training, talk about how is this really applying on our team? Where are we in our own sense of not inclusive, where are we not really recognizing the behaviors and patterns that are getting in our way? Because great results are great maybe but without humanity and human connection, and engagement, they’re not going to be that great for long.
CrisMarie: No. You’re going to get turnover, you’re going to feel diminished. Yeah, it’s not going to be a resilient system.
Susan: So be smart and healthy.
CrisMarie: Yes. Take care.
Susan: Well, I really appreciated CrisMarie having this conversation today. I think it’s timely to talk about how blaming and shaming can become a leadership style and is sometimes an acceptable style. And it’s really not particularly helpful.
CrisMarie: Nor does blaming and shaming to get rid of blaming, and shaming, and bullying, it doesn’t work, you really have to actually use accountability, curiosity and even compassion for what’s going on if you’re on both sides of this equation because often a leader may recognize that they may bully people that are lower than them if they have that awareness. And are feeling more bullied by people above them.
Susan: So we hope that you have enjoyed this. We encourage you to read chapter 22.
CrisMarie: 22 in The Beauty of Conflict.
Susan: Yes, the Beauty of Conflict: Harnessing Your Team’s Competitive Advantage.
CrisMarie: Available on Amazon.
Susan: And also really think about would coaching be helpful for you because the key to really recognizing if you have some of these qualities and may not be aware of them, is to get good feedback and sometimes within a system you’re not going to get that feedback.
CrisMarie: No, people are going to be too intimidated to give you that feedback usually. And it’s also we’re dealing with a part of the brain that is the same brain that rides a bike, learns a musical instrument. It’s that primitive brain that actually takes repetition and time. So going to a training you’ll get some information but you really need ongoing support and feedback to really shift a pattern like this because it’s deep in the nervous system.
Susan: So we’re available for coaching, but find a way to get the feedback that will be helpful for you so you can work with if you’re being bullied or if you are bullying.
CrisMarie: So reach out to us at firstname.lastname@example.org, that’s email@example.com, if you need help with coaching, if you want us to support your team and have the coaching because this is what we do with organizations to change the culture so that you can thrive.
CrisMarie Campbell and Susan Clarke
Coaches, Business Consultants, Speakers and Authors of The Beauty of Conflict
CrisMarie and Susan work leaders and teams, couples in business, and professional women.
They help turnaround dysfunctional teams into high performing, cohesive teams who trust each other, deal with differences directly, and have clarity and alignment on their business strategy so they create great results.
Connect with CrisMarie and Susan on LinkedIn.
Watch their TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!
Order their new book The Beauty of Conflict for Couples: Igniting Passion, Intimacy, and Connection in Your Relationship.
Download the eBook, How to Talk About Difficult Topics, today!